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She can't find her place, she's losing her faith, falling from grace. She's all over the place.
11.16.04 (12:20 pm)   [edit]

Three songs ahve gotten me through the past couple days. Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone", Avril Lavigne's "Nobody's Home" and Ryan Cabrera's " True". The first makes me feel better about a past event. The second is abotu my friends and how they have been making me feel, and the third is my hope for the future.


On a more positive note, I got a date to my band's Christmas formal. None of my friends like him, but I think there is more to him that meets the eye. I think he's a good guy. They didn't want me to go with him, but I am anyway. And I'm happy in my decision.


Not listening to them is probably the best thing for me. They don't listen to me. They decide to hurt me instead. And they don't see it as anything. I'm feeling really hurt because of them now...one in particular. But, I'm tired of mentioning it, and tired of arguing over it because they don't listen anyway..and if they do it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other. I don't want to start anything, so I have to just shut my mouth and hide things.


 
 
I hate this town
11.15.04 (10:45 am)   [edit]
I do not belong in Clifton anymore.
 
bleed my heart out
11.01.04 (4:39 pm)   [edit]
It's been a long time...and I've been really busy. I have time to write this week because we have a lot of days off this week. Today I was really upset with a lot of things, one being how Pat and Shinji always treat me. I love them both very much...but Shinji always feels the need to mock me and Pat...well he never beleives a word I say. I try so hard to be his best friend, and tell him the truth. He just doesn't understand things sometimes, and I guess I can't save him from the inevitable hurt he is going to feel. I wish I could because I love him so much and that will never change. He is one of the only people who I can tell absolutely everything to. I see him getting hurt...in fact he's hurting right now and I wish I could help him but he doesn't see things my way. Another person who has come up recently is Rachel. I love that girl, and always will...and there's a lot of things I wish I didn't do ....and a lot of things I wish she didn't do. But when it comes down to it ...I also wish that we could restore something. I've been trying to talk to her lately. The other day she came up and hugged me...it made my day because I took it that maybe there is that faint glimmer of hope. The only one who could ruin it is Matt. He ruins a lot...he's a very sneaky person who makes you think he is one way when he is actually the complete opposite. I wish he would stay out of my life, as well as my friends. He has often said friendship doesn't matter...but to me it's teh world. I think he wants to make himself miserable. We all loved him at one point in time before he turned his back on us...and I wish he would just stop filling Rachel's, and other people's heads with bad thoughts about us.  It's none of his business.  Drew is another one...he doesn't know anything about me so I wish he would knock it off too. What Rachel doesn't know is that I never really stopped loving her...I was just so numb and so confused  for a long time. Ash never stopped loving her too...and it's like an agonizing curse put upon the 3 of us. I know each one of us thinks about it everyday. Ash stumbled across Ray's blog the other day...and I read it today. There are some pretty hurtful things...but we've all said hurtful things to each other. One of the meanest was Matt telling Rachel to focus her anger on playing volleyball to win...and he said "just think of ash and sara". Well I hate Matt for what he's done ...and he should back off. And I hope that Rachel's anger toward us, as well as her want to forget us diminishes. Maybe we will never be what we were...but I want to be there for Rachel...and if not even that...I just want to come to an understanding with her. Well...I'm gonna leave this link to my blog on my away message in hope that Rachel, Pat, and Shinji see it. But Out of the 3 I want Rachel to see this the most...and I want her to know that I can't and will never forget...just like she can't. So all I have to say to her is snow fort and woods by carvel. I know she'll understand ...and I hope it means as much to her as it does to me. I also want her to remember that day when we went to CVS for certain things...and I want her to know I would do it again for her in a heartbeat. And even though this may seem random saying all this now...it's because I can't forget and I don't want to be tortured with it anymore.